DS: Musical, Act 1, Scene 4

Scene 4:
The Madness Of General Ripper

(Scenery changes to General Ripper's nicely-decorated office at Burpleson Air Force Base.  General Ripper is seated at his desk, smoking a cigar.  Group Captain Mandrake enters through a door on stage-right, clutching a small portable radio in his hand; a soft POP TUNE is heard streaming from it.)

MANDRAKE (as he enters the office & approaches Ripper with the radio):
General Ripper, so sorry to intrude upon you, but I think you may want to take a look at this!  Something rather interesting's just cropped up! (he stops to stand in front of Ripper & shows him the radio; a few moments of silence pass, allowing us to hear more of the POP TUNE playing on the radio) It's music...Civilian broadcasting.

RIPPER (looking up at Mandrake with a stern glower):
Mandrake...I believe my exact orders were for all radios on this base to be confiscated & brought to the Air Police...Were they not?

MANDRAKE:
Well, yes, indeed, they were, sir, & I was in the process of impounding this very one, but I happened to switch it on...because I thought to myself, if the bomb wing is going to make Russian radar cover in about 38 minutes, I thought I should warn you, because if they do, it'll cause a bit of a stink, won't it?

(Ripper gets up from his desk & walks over to the two doors on stage-right, while Mandrake follows him.)

RIPPER (as he walks over to the first of the two doors & takes out a key from his pocket):
Group Captain, just because you're in the officer exchange program with our ally nations doesn't mean you have any special privilege to question my orders.

(Ripper locks the first door with his key, then goes over to lock the second door.  After stuffing the key back into his pocket, Ripper turns to walk back towards his desk, with Mandrake following close behind.)

MANDRAKE (as he follows Ripper back to the desk):
Well, I realize that, sir, but...I thought you'd be pleased to hear the news. (the two approach Ripper's desk, & Ripper walks around to go behind it) (smiling nervously) I mean, after all, let's face it, we...don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, do we?

RIPPER (sitting back down at his desk):
Please sit down, Captain Mandrake. (gestures to radio) And kindly turn that radio off.

(Mandrake turns the radio off, but is still standing in front of the desk.)

MANDRAKE (looking back at Ripper as he puts the radio down on his desk):
Now, what about the planes, sir? Surely, you intend to issue the recall code immediately...right?

(Beat.  Ripper just stares at Mandrake with a cold look in his eyes.)

RIPPER (coldly):
Group Captain, the planes are not going to be recalled.  I have already issued my attack orders, & the orders stand.

MANDRAKE (bewildered):
B-B-B-B-But, sir, I think that's a, a, a rather odd way of looking at it.  You see, if a Russian air attack were actually in progress, we would not be hearing civilian broadcasting.

RIPPER:
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?

MANDRAKE (nodding his head in affirmation):
Absolutely, sir.

RIPPER:
And what if it's true?

MANDRAKE:
Well, I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you--

RIPPER (cutting Mandrake off):
Mandrake, I'm quite thirsty at this moment.  Please pour me a drink of rain water & pure grain alcohol...& help yourself to whatever you'd like.

(Mandrake glares sternly at Ripper & gives a sharp salute of his right arm.)

MANDRAKE:
General Ripper...as an officer in Her Majesty's Royal Air Force, it is my solemn duty, upon my own authority, to issue the recall code & bring back the wing.  If you'll excuse me, sir...

(Mandrake walks over to the two doors on stage-right.  He tries to open both doors, but soon realizes that they're locked.  He turns to walk back towards General Ripper.)

MANDRAKE (walking back over to Ripper):
I'm afraid, General Ripper, that I must ask you for the key to the door & the recall code.  Have you got them handy?

(Ripper just smiles at Mandrake with an insane grin.)

RIPPER:
There's nothing anybody can do about this now, Mandrake.  I'm the only one who knows the three-letter code group.

MANDRAKE (struggling to contain his anger):
Then, I highly insist that you give them to me this instant!

(Mandrake pales when he sees General Ripper tossing away a folder on his desk to reveal a pistol.)

MANDRAKE (looking up at Ripper with an astonished expression):
Are you threatening a brother officer with a gun, General Ripper?

(Ripper takes a drag of his cigar, then EXHALES a cloud of smoke, before turning his head to face Mandrake with the same insane grin he had earlier.)

RIPPER:
I suppose it never occured to you, Mandrake, that while we're sitting here, chatting so enjoyably, the President Of The United States is conferring with the Joint Chiefs Of Staff in the War Room at the Pentagon...And when they realize that there is no possibility of recalling the wing, there will be only one course of action left open to them: total commitment.

CUE SONG: "Necessary Measures"

RIPPER (singing):
Mandrake, please try to understand
That these unusual commands
I have delivered have been
Carefully & purposefully planned

You might be struggling to see
Why you're locked in here with me,
But in good time, you shall learn
Why all of this was meant to be...

There is a method to my madness,
But it's not rooted in badness,
So just turn that frown around
And let your heart be full of gladness!

My intentions are of goodness,
In spite of my acts of shrewdness!

MANDRAKE:
Sir, I beg that you will listen,
If you will pardon my rudeness...

RIPPER:
No, it's best you wait till later,
As an explanation's due...

I've taken necessary measures,
Just a few little precautions,
To ensure the safety of our nation--
Not a very oddball notion!
Anyone as sane as me
Will not find it hard to see
Why these measures have been taken,
And I'm sure you will agree...

Although my orders may be drastic,
There's no need to get all spastic!
You will find, Mandrake, that they
Will serve a purpose so fantastic

I intend to save our nation
From red retaliation,
And by giving my instructions,
I've ensured the States' salvation!

When we drop our bombs at red dawn,
We shall nuke those Commies dead-on!
They're not gonna mess with us,
'Cause they picked the wrong guys to tread on!

MANDRAKE:
So, these orders that we've gotten
Are results of your mad plottin'?

RIPPER:
Captain Mandrake, please don't make
All my intentions seem so rotten!
Pray have empathy, & you will see
Just what all of this means...

These steps are necessary measures,
Just a few little precautions
To ensure the safety of our nation--
Not a very oddball notion!
Anyone as sane as me
Will not find it hard to see
Why these measures have been taken,
And I'm sure you will agree...

(A beat, as Mandrake INHALES DEEPLY, rises from his seat, & musters his courage to "stand up" to General Ripper.  At this point, the music becomes more stately, taking up the sound of a military march.)

MANDRAKE (singing):
Sir, I don't mean to raise a fuss,
But there's something that I must
Say to you in abs'lute honesty,
And you'll pay heed, I trust...

All of your orders to the base
Are entirely debased!
If they find out you're behind this,
You shall be doomed to disgrace!

There's no nobility inside you
If your nutty notions guide you!
Have the common sense to stop this,
Or, at least, I hope you'll try to!

But if you don't cease this madness,
It will only lead to badness,
And the consequences will provide
No cause for cheer or gladness!
All the world will mourn in sorrow
If those bombs are dropped today...

What's with these "necessary measures",
These catastrophic actions?
I don't see a reason for your orders,
Other than unstable notions!
Anyone as sane as me
Will not find it hard to see
That you've put our lives in danger,
Broken federal decree,
And violated regulations!

RIPPER:
All to set our country free!

(The song ends.  Mandrake is still standing up, but Ripper glares at him from his desk, the cigar in his mouth continuing to smolder.)

RIPPER (sternly):
Mandrake, unless you want me to have you arrested & court-martialed for insubordination, SIT YOUR REAR DOWN THIS INSTANT!!!

(Mandrake is immediately humbled.)

MANDRAKE (meekly):
Yes, sir.

(With that, Mandrake sits back down in the chair, & Ripper smiles in smug satisfaction, leaning back in his seat & plopping his feet comfortably on the desk.)

RIPPER:
Now, why don't you just take it easy, Group Captain? Relax.  You're gonna be stuck in here for quite some time...

(Mandrake SIGHS DISMALLY, shaking his head sorrowfully.)